Watership Down the spoof what really happened
by hyzenflayrabbit
Summary: I'm really bad at summarys but this is my first fan fiction so please review. Basically it's a spoof of Watership down and Fiver has some secrets. It does get better after chapter 1.
1. In which Fiver has a fit

**Watership down-What really happened.**

**By the end this story will be quite long so sorry in advance about that. This is my first fan fiction so please review. Basically my little spoof about Watership Down. I own none of the rights or the characters. **

Chapter 1

The sun was setting over another day in May. Which was surprising since usually you can't see the sun through all of the clouds and it's usually pissing down in England. There was a hill dotted with rabbits, all stuffing their little furry faces. The warren was at peace, awww everything's peaceful like Christmas morning when the parents have dosed their kids with valium, bless.

Two rabbits appeared; the first seemed at ease as he had been at the warren for all his life and he had kept himself out of trouble. The second was nervous and looked around (as most animals do). He had a nervous twitch and a stammer which constantly annoyed his big brother. He hopped about and sniffed at tufts of grass until a bee flew out and whizzed past him. He dived for cover causing the rabbits around him to look at him and ask each other what had happened.

"It's only Fiver, freaking out about flies again." Said a rabbit with black tipped ears.

Fiver ran up to his big brother. "Th-th-there's something q-q-queer about the w-warren tonight. Let's go d-down to the b-brook."

Queer? Hazel looked at his brother cautiously. Surely his brother isn't that way inclined, though that would explain a lot; the freak outs, him sniffing rabbit pee, the constant trips to the brook in the middle of the night with Pipkin. Oh Frith!

"Ok Fiver see if you can find me a Cowslip" said Hazel, at least this way he could keep his eye on him.

It didn't take long before Fiver found one. They were just beginning to eat when two rabbits came and stopped them.

"Ok hurry up and leave we'll take it from here." The speaker was that of a large Owsla member, all brawn, no brain.

"Fiver found it Toadflax." Hazel had to stand up for his little brother.

"And we'll eat it. You two aren't buck enough to handle it" as he spoke his companion began striking poses to illustrate his bulging muscles, very unimpressive.

"Cowslips are for Owsla only. Do we have to teach you?"

Hazel noticed that Fiver's eyes lit up. Oh great now his little brother is also masochistic. How many more surprises will come up today?

"No. Come on Fiver." Hazel felt a bit awkward trying to forcibly shift his brother while trying not to give him any pleasure.

They then crossed the brook. The further away from the main warren the more frightened Hazel became. What sorts of rabbits lurked in the bushes? He knew all too well, the kind that got a bit too friendly with young does and kittens.

"I'm thinking of leaving this warren all together you know." Hazel had to break the painful silence. "Fiver, look!"

There was a freshly moved pile of earth with heavy posts and a board in it. A few nails had been left around (tut, tut, tut health and safety).

"Oh Hazel this is where it comes from" said Fiver "it's coming closer and closer!"

"What is?" asked Hazel

"I don't know" replied Fiver "The f-f-field, the field, it's covered in blood!"

Oh Frith! He's totally lost it thought Hazel. He's gone mad mind you who'd notice another madman around here?

"Have you taken your medication today?" asked Hazel as his brother was now rolling around on the ground having a fit.

"It's covered w-with blood."

"It's just the light of the sunset." Said Hazel "let's go back to the burrow." He instantly regretted saying that.

"It'll come the-there d-don't think it won't!" whimpered Fiver.

"Now stop it!" Hazel shrieked. "You paranoid schizophrenic twot. Back to the burrow. Move it!"

Hazel had to physically push him back and down the burrow.

No-one could read the notice board. It said "This ideally Situated Estate, comprising six acres of excellent building land, is to be developed with high class modern residences by Sutch and Martin, Limited, of Newbury, Berks."

**Did Fiver forget his medication? Is Fiver and Pipkin's relationship more serious than Hazel thinks? Will "Sutch and Martin" survive the Recession? None of these questions will be answered in Chapter 2. **


	2. A Misunderstanding about names

**Thanks so much to Linalove & Jornalist793 for reviewing. Here is the long awaited second chapter.**

**I own none of the rights or characters. (Except Darling and Rose) **

Chapter 2

Hazel was asleep in his burrow when he woke. He felt something on top of him scratching and pinning him down. His first reaction was oh Frith! As he was still recovering from the shock of what Fiver had revealed the previous day. Was Fiver getting a bit too friendly with him? Frith! Was he being raped by his own brother in his own burrow? He woke to find Fiver scrabbling over him in the midst of a nightmare.

"Fiver. Wake up; you'll hurt me in a minute."

"Oh H-hazel" Fiver spluttered "The d-dream I was on water, on a board, then I t-tried to swim and take you with me but you said that y-you you had to go alone.

"Fiver I'm not going anywhere except to the chief rabbits burrow to tell him about yesterday."

Hazel hopped outside followed quickly by Fiver. He went quickly and purposefully to the Chief Rabbit's Burrow. Just outside he met a doe. Rose.

Fiver recognised Rose as the rabbit that spent an awful lot of time with Hazel, too much time.

"Hazel" she said rubbing her body against his.

Fiver noticed that his brothers' breathing and heart rate had quickened.

"Hazel, you owe me three carrots."

"What!" Hazel exclaimed looking puzzled. "You said two that night."

"Well with the things you wanted me to do I put my price up." She licked his nose and left him stood there.

"What w-was that all ab-bout Hazel?" Asked Fiver eyeing his brother up "you and R-rose?"

"It's not what you think. I was err… lonely and you had gone to the brook so I, I, I asked Rose to keep me company."

"Sounds l-like she did more th-than that. What would Darling s-say?"

"Oh her" said Hazel. Darling was Hazel's mate but at the present they were having a "relationship bump".

"We have to see the Chief rabbit though." Hazel quickly changed the subject.

He went to the burrow and saw his friend (if you can call him that) Bigwig standing guard. As Hazel and Fiver approached he bent his head and said.

"Please I know your type and what you're here for please enter through the back entrance."

"No Bigwig this is for a _different_ reason. I want to see the chief rabbit."

"I don't know. I might get my ears bitten off, not to mention other things."

"Come on fuzz butt head when have I ever asked to see the chief rabbit before?"

"Fine but go in the back entrance, I don't want anybody seeing you."

Hazel and Fiver ran to the back entrance escorted by Bigwig.

"Ah Walnut!" The Chief Rabbit began "it is Walnut isn't it"

No you stupid senile- no stay cool Hazel thought he couldn't risk blowing it now.

"No Sir it's-" Hazel began then out of the corner of his eye he spotted Darling coming out of another burrow with a member of the Owsla. He was a bit too friendly with her.

"Darling!" Hazel exclaimed.

"Darling?" The Chief Rabbit looked confuzzeled for a moment. "Funny name for a buck, Darling? The last rabbit I called darling was pregnant twenty seconds later."

Hazel was starting to get worried so he left his conundrum (a/n that's a hard word to spell) and focused on the small matter of getting everyone out of the warren.

"Well sir, my brother feels that something bad is coming to the warren." He began.

"What sorts of danger pray tell?" The chief rabbit asked

"It's-" Hazel began

"It's b-bad it's s-s-so bad and its c-coming" Fiver stuttered

"Don't help me Fiver" Hazel hissed "_please_ don't help me."

"So" said The Chief Rabbit "what do you propose we do then?"

"Go away, all of us…away from the warren" said Hazel

"Out of the question Darling" replied the Chief Rabbit harshly.

"You always piss on my bonfire." Hazel shouted

"There is no bonfire"

"Yeah because you keep pissing on it"

"Goodbye Darling, thank you for calling." The Chief Rabbit cut their meeting short.

Fiver squealed and ran off shouting "You've doomed us all!"

"I'd better go" said Hazel as he had now cooled off.

Hazel ran after Fiver and passed Bigwig on the way. "Sorry" he muttered.

From down the tunnel Hazel could hear the Bigwig was having his head bitten off.

"Right" Hazel said defiantly "I'm going."

**Thanks for reading this. Will Darling return to Hazel? Will Bigwig have anything else bitten off? And more importantly is it sausages for tea? Again, none of these questions will be answered in chapter 3. **


	3. Departure lounge

**Thanks loads to Journalist793 and Moonlilycat for reviewing. Reviews help me to write, anyway chapter 3. Sorry I haven't updated in a while. This isn't my favourite chapter as it is mainly a filler chapter the "hilarity" (if you can call it that) will continue. **

**I don't own Watership down.**

Hazel was in a mood about the meeting. It had taken up all of his silflay time to talk to that fat old biddy and now everyone will think that his is as mad as his brother.

"You didn't think that the Chief Rabbit would _actually_ take your advice did you?" Asked Fiver as he eyed his brother up and down

Hazel just stared back, he had been through all of that and his brother had known that it wouldn't work. Oh Frith!

"At least we can say that we told him so." Said Hazel

"So you're sure that there is a danger" asked Dandelion who had been listening to their conversations.

"Yes we're sure…were you eavesdropping?" Hazel asked

"Erm…no…but are you totally sure that there is a danger?"

"Yes." said Fiver

The discussion was cut short when a rabbit jumped into their circle and immediately pulled a pose.

"Does every Owsla officer have a trademark pose? Hazel whispered to Dandelion.

"I'm off duty if anybody cares!" Bigwig snapped. "Do you want to know why?"

"Not really." Hazel muttered, knowing what he was going to say.

"I've left the Owsla." said Bigwig, expecting a response and looking miffed when he didn't get one. "I told the Threarah that he could stick his Owsla where Frith don't shine. He's not a happy bunny."

"Hot cross bunny" whispered Dandelion, getting a snigger from the other rabbits.

"So you'll be leaving then." Said Bigwig expectantly

"W-w-we've got to go away." stammered Fiver huddling up to Pipkin.

Within a few hours the rabbits had a small group put together. Hazel and Fiver waited on the edge of the warren where they were met by Dandelion and Pipkin.

"Where exactly are we going?" Dandelion asked

Hazel looked towards his brother who seemed like he was having another fit.

"High lonely hills…42 Wallaby Way Sydney."

Ok thought Hazel, What is a Sydney and what is 42. Hazel pondered over the fact that his brother had used a number over 4 which was impossible for rabbits to grasp, hence hrair.

"Hazel?" A rabbit had crept up behind him and nudged him causing him to dive up into the air with a yelp.

"Oh my Frith as if you just did that." Hazel shrieked

"Did I scare you?" asked the rabbit apologetically

"No, of course not but I could very easily have torn your ears off, I'm very well trained, act now as questions later, don't go skulking up on rabbits in the dark, they could go tharn."

"Do you remember me Hazel?" The rabbit asked "We shared a burrow during that cold winter."

Hazel did remember, this rabbit was Hawkbit, a stupid rabbit that, in the four days they were forced to spend together half the time was spent playing the longest game of bob stones and monopoly Hazel could ever recall. Hawkbit also had the unfortunate habit of snoring and talking in his sleep so Hazel was practically a zombie by the time the snow had thawed, especially since he had been listening to Hawkbit muttering "I dreamed a dream" in a voice not unlike Susan Boyle's.

As the other rabbits came in dribs and drabs, Blackberry, Silver, Bigwig and many more that I can't be bothered to name right now, Hazel addressed them all.

"Now stay together, the exits are here, here and here. Lettuce will not be provided since someone has a severe Lettuce allergy." All the rabbits stared at Silver. "I hope you enjoy this journey and thank you for journeying with Frithrah journeys."

As the rabbits set off, they heard a squeal. They turned and saw Dandelion being pinned down by Captain Holly. Holly turned.

"Stop in the name of Plod!"

"What?" the rabbits said in unison

"You're all under arrest!"

"No we're not." Said Bigwig as he smacked Holly across the face and sent him running off. "He'll be back soon we'd better go."

They all set off across the downs with the occasionally protest about Silver's allergies.

**Is Hawkbit really SuBo in disguise? Do all Owsla members have a trademark pose? And will someone give me some better questions to ask at the end of each chapter? I may answer some if these questions but TBH I CBA. **


End file.
